Why do I feel so different since becoming a mother? Understanding Matrescence.

One of the things I hear women say surprisingly often is some version of:

“Everything feels different.”

And that’s because everything is different.

Sometimes there's sadness in that statement. Sometimes relief, excitement, confusion, or a feeling of inner peace. Sometimes all of the above. Often, in the early days of motherhood, there is no clear sense of what has changed, only a feeling that something is different.

Maybe your relationship with work has shifted. Maybe friendships feel different. Perhaps the things that once felt important no longer hold quite the same meaning, while other things that barely crossed your mind before now feel more significant than ever.

At the same time, you may love being a parent and feel profoundly grateful for your child.

You may also find yourself missing aspects of your previous life. The freedom to make spontaneous plans. Time alone. A sense of independence. Your relationship before children. Sleep! Parts of your identity that once felt central to who you were.

I’ve often noticed that these feelings of longing can bring a sense of guilt. We are often led to believe that if we love our children deeply, there should be no room for loss, longing or ambivalence. Yet the reality is that both can exist at the same time. Two seemingly conflicting truths can exist at the same time.

You can feel immense gratitude for your child whilst mourning aspects of the life you once had.

You can feel deeply connected to motherhood whilst longing for parts of yourself that feel further away.

You can feel fulfilled and constrained, joyful and exhausted, deeply in love and desperately in need of space.

Holding these seemingly contradictory experiences can feel confusing, particularly in a culture that often expects us to be either thriving or struggling, grateful or grieving, fulfilled or dissatisfied.

The reality is often far more complex.

You Are Not Imagining It

When we think about becoming a parent, we tend to focus on the practical changes that we know are coming: caring for a baby, navigating sleepless nights, adjusting routines, managing childcare, and balancing work and family life.

What I hear women talk about less often is the extent to which becoming a parent changes us. Because, until we experience it, it can be difficult to comprehend quite how significant that shift can be. Not just the change in our circumstances, but the changes within us - mind, body and everything in between. Becoming a mother is not simply the addition of a new role. It is a significant physiological, hormonal, neurological, psychological and relational transition.

I often think of it as stepping through a portal into a new world.

Your body changes. Your brain adapts and forms new pathways. Your relationships shift. Your priorities evolve. Your understanding of yourself and the world around you can begin to look very different.

It would perhaps be more surprising if you felt exactly the same afterwards. Yet women are often expected to “bounce back” to who they were before, in a culture that frequently values productivity over experience and adaptation over reflection.

Alongside this, many women find themselves carrying an enormous pressure to get motherhood “right”. To be patient, present, grateful, organised, emotionally available and endlessly capable, often whilst recovering from one of the most significant transitions of their lives - both physically and emotionally.

The paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott challenged this idea through his concept of the “good enough mother”. Rather than suggesting that children need perfect parenting, he argued that what they need is a parent who is responsive enough, attuned enough, and able to meet their needs most of the time.

For many women, this can feel surprisingly liberating. Not because motherhood is unimportant, but because perfection was never the goal. Good enough really is enough.

A Different Perspective on the World

Many women describe seeing the world differently after becoming a parent.

For some, there is a heightened awareness of vulnerability and responsibility. For others, becoming a parent prompts questions about values, priorities, and how they want to spend their time and energy.

Things that once felt manageable may suddenly feel draining. Goals that once seemed important may lose some of their appeal. Equally, parts of life that previously sat in the background may take on new meaning.

This does not necessarily mean that something has gone wrong or that you have lost yourself.

Sometimes it simply reflects the reality that significant life experiences change us.

The Identity Shift That Continues to Unfold

One of the reasons this transition can feel so disorientating is that it rarely happens all at once. There is often an assumption that once the baby arrives, the adjustment happens and life settles into a new “normal”. In reality, many women find that the identity shifts associated with motherhood continue to unfold over months and years, as they adapt to an ever-changing experience and evolve into new versions of themselves.

Motherhood can be a process of continual adaptation rather than a single transition that is completed and left behind.

There are countless moments throughout parenthood that can leave us feeling disorientated, and many women describe being surprised by the emotional complexity of experiences they had never anticipated or prepared for.

Maybe you long for maternity leave to last forever, yet crave independence and adult conversation.

Maybe you find yourself willing your child to become more independent, only to feel unexpectedly lost when they no longer need you in quite the same way.

Maybe old hobbies, ambitions or interests no longer fit into your life as they once did, leaving you questioning who you are beyond motherhood and what still feels meaningful.

Often these moments are accompanied by seemingly contradictory feelings: pride and sadness, excitement and uncertainty, gratitude and grief.

The Concept of Matrescence

There is actually a term for this process: matrescence.

Much like adolescence describes the transition from childhood to adulthood, matrescence refers to the developmental process of becoming a mother.

The concept recognises that motherhood involves far more than caring for a child. It encompasses the physical, emotional, psychological, social and identity changes that often accompany this stage of life.

For many women, simply having a name for this experience can feel reassuring. What can feel like a personal struggle is often part of a much broader and deeply human process of change.

Different Doesn’t Mean Lost

When women tell me they no longer feel like the person they were before becoming a parent, I find myself questioning whether the goal should be to get back to that person at all. Becoming a parent changes us.

That does not mean we lose ourselves, even though at times it may feel like we've drifted out to sea - rather it means that our sense of self evolves.

Perhaps the task is not to return to who you were before. Perhaps it is to become curious about who you are now, what matters to you, and who you are continuing to become.

That process can take time. And often, it deserves more space and attention than our busy lives allow.

Sometimes simply having the opportunity to pause and reflect can help us make sense of what is changing, what is being left behind, and what is beginning to emerge. Not as a way of finding our way back to who we once were, but as a way of getting to know who we are becoming.